She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
