Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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