What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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