Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
