If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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