You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
