Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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