i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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