so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
