remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
