i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
