On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you're hired as official boob wrangler
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Randomize
