dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
