Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
