I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
