we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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