Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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