My liver just broke up with me...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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