My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I will pee on everything he values.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
