I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize