You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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