under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
