After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
