my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
