She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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