Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
