Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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