What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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