Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize