Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
