Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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