i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
