i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
