Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
