I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
