i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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