Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
