Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
