Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
