Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
