she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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