Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize