I want to have your abortion
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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