I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
