i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
