every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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