There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
