So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
