Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
