i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
