you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
They have beer where we have blood.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
