and i looked up. we had an audience...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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