I think I died a long time ago.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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