I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
