So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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