What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
