i barfeds in our rink
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize