i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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